|
|
|
|
||||||
2004-03-08 Ketchup vs. BBQ: get ready for Election 2004 Ahh, those wacky Democrats. Thwarted in 2000 by a few thousand geezers in south Florida, they've had 3 years to regroup and find a way to beat George W. Bush in 2004. And just think... all they had to do was find a candidate just slightly better than Al Gore. Doesn't sound hard, right? So here we are, just months away from election day, and what is our alternative to Dubya? John "Ketchup Boy" Kerry. Yep. The Democrats have managed to find a guy richer than Bush, whose major positions are, at best, as squishy as Dubya's brain after a tough game of Scrabble. Ketchup Boy voted against the Gulf War of 1991, yet now says he's for it. Then he voted for the recent Iraq War and the Patriot Act, but now says he's against both. And if that isn't tough enough, ask him his position on gay marriage. "Uhh, err, I'm for/against it, or something." Now add the fact that Kerry will probably campaign as a populist, man-of-the-people, yet would be the richest guy to hold the presidency in the modern era. This guy could buy and sell Dubya. Popular satire site The Onion recently wrote about Kerry's mythical whistle-stop tour of America on his yacht. The mere notion that Ketchup Boy could fool anyone into thinking he's some sort of "everyday dude" is just silly. Now, despite the anti-ketchup propaganda herein, it's important to state that Bush's ultra-Christian agenda is a bit scary, and it might be nice to replace Dubya and the current, er, former Halliburton executive (Dick Cheney) with someone a little more mainstream. But Ketchup Boy?! That is our alternative? You've just got to wonder if the Democrats are throwing the whole thing. For crying out loud, there's no way that rank-and-file Democrats can be all that excited by the prospect of a President Ketchup Boy. Plus, the head of the Democratic Party (Terry McAuliffe) is a dyed-in-the-wool Clintonite. Sure, he's publicly supporting Kerry, but anyone with half a brain knows who he really wants to see in the White House. Maybe a certain senator from New York who has been eerily silent since Ketchup Boy became the presumptive nominee? And for her to run (in 2008), Ketchup Boy has to go down in flames in 2004. Any way you slice it, there's almost no way Ketchup Boy will beat Bush. Maybe if he were to go on a vigilante mission to Pakistan and return with Osama bin Laden's head, or pick Justin Timberlake as his running mate. But otherwise, it just won't happen, and Democrats will have nobody to blame but themselves. |
||||||||
|
Contact us Disclaimer |
||||||||
